How Can Parents Balance Being Both Firm and Approachable?

An Impossible Balance

For parents, having a balance of things is what makes parenting feel impossible. The best parenting advice you might get is, Always to be involved in your kid’s life. And then someone can just as easily say, Don’t be overinvolved in your kid’s life. Don’t overreact, but don’t underreact. Be firm but not scary. Be friendly but not their buddy. Before you know it, they’ve drawn a picture for you that is an extremely narrow way to be a perfect parent, by which you will never get it exactly right.

So how should parents think about it? They should think about it not so much as a pendulum that swings back and forth, but ask, How can I do this in a way where I am constantly having to make a decision where this time I do something different than last time? Maybe I try to be a little bit stern here and a little bit friendlier there, but then give myself a break, knowing I can’t get this exactly right.

When I beat myself up for not getting it exactly right, I’m actually making matters worse. A good example might be for a picky eater. Sometimes I make them try something new, and sometimes I say, It’s okay if you eat something that you like, because I don’t want you to starve to death.

And so for that, the parent has to make some decisions where they go, Sometimes I’ll do it like this, and sometimes I’ll do it like that. There’s rarely a time when we say, No problem. Always do it like this. Here’s the exact right balanced way to not overreact and not underreact, to be firm enough but not be scary. It is rare to thread that needle. You’ll have to go circumstance by circumstance and ask the Lord for wisdom and guidance.

You’ll have to go circumstance by circumstance and ask the Lord for wisdom and guidance.

And then where you feel like you’ve messed up, you’ll be able to repent and say, That’s not going to cling to me. I get to walk free because of the grace of God. But if you try to thread that needle and get it exactly right, you’re going to end up with a lot of guilt and shame. You’re going to have a chance every day to beat yourself up for what you could have done better.

The truth is, we can always do better. What we want to do, as a person set free, is say if I’m insulting, tormenting, regretting, resenting over my mistakes, then I am leaning into something that sounds like what the Accuser would have me believe. But if I’m going to listen to the Advocate—if I’m going to listen to Jesus Christ—then I’m going to know I am set free from the things that would otherwise cling to me. I want to cast off the sin that Hebrews says “so easily entangles” so that I can run the race that’s marked out for me.

That’s what I want for parents. When we’re leaning into sin or even foolishness, that we cast that off sin to run the race marked out for us. And when it’s not marked out, we just use our best version of wisdom to ask, How will I do this today? How can I do this better?

Adam Griffin is the author of Good News for Parents: How God Can Restore Our Joy and Relieve Our Burdens.

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